Before i moved on from the zone of felling that i have since yesterday, i wanted to document something about confidence and how external validation really changes the way we feel about ourselves. This will be one of those reflective posts and not the ones that i write on women where i get to show my dominative feeling.
Starts off on my birthday in Tirupati where i shaved my head after growing it out about for a couple of months. Nothing out of the blue and was definitely game for shaving it all off. I do like the feeling where am completely stripping off my hair thinking about a person as part of my attractions which in itself is something unique that i kept it to myself all these days. Turns out, it can be game changing but i don’t dwell much about it as much as possible. As much as i felt good about the process and post the shave, satisfying my pleasures by watching women with pretty hair and pleasuring myself to the feeling that i stripped off all my hair that made me look manly and imagine myself presenting as clean shaven as possible for these beautiful looking women who look absolutely beautiful especially with their extremely pretty hair.
This feeling was nothing new to me as all these days, i knew this feeling or attraction was just known to me so nobody really had any idea what was going on in my head. As much as possible i kept it all in my head and still do only that people somehow know by word of mouth or through some medium that is still not something am able to figure out. Doesn’t bother me much though but it did multiple times over the past year from the time i started DMing in the league of top attractive women i guess.. the film industry. Did not know it would ripple so hard into my life till day. Pretty much every second of it. But that’s not what am here to talk about. Am reflecting on myself.
As much as i pleasured myself happily, DMed Shamili and Shweta too and nicely pleasured myself. They really have pretty hair as friends whom i’ve known for almost 10+ years now so it was natural how i pictured them nicely when i was being shaved. Even as all my hair was falling on my feet and i could feel that i have literally no hair as the razor was shaving me clean bald, as the locks fell, i could only think of the girls who were watching me get razored off. It’s for this feeling, i sometime got shaved deliberately even at the cost of de-glowing myself. It is my way of pleasuring myself so i don’t miss the chance when i get it. It was kind of fine until people knew about it way too well now. I didn’t know the effect it would have on women until the past couple of years. I was under the assumption that nobody would ever get it and the last hope for me was to tell my wife about it when i get married and if she’s into it, sweet else it would be just with me with the least hope of her supporting me with this just like Shamili did all these years. To me that was still the most fair scenario until things drastically changed around me in my life.
Talking about how this pleasureful feeling flipped away was when i stepped into my gym yesterday for my workout. I did know by this point, my idea of pleasure was laced in hard in peoples minds. Literally everywhere all the time. It is unavoidable at this point and am the main scrutiny character in a reality show type of a scenario and i have to be somehow fine with it and play along. And at this point was i realized how missing an eye contact with a woman can really create a domino effect in my head that tumbles down my confidence to a very low level. Such a subtle thing that makes you feel in your head “ahh shit.. i lost this one” and fucks up your head space and makes you think all over again that if i can look at women in the eye now that they all know how much hair i had and am all shaven and lost my safe look. Started feeling extremely sensitive about it and amplified that feeling more now that i was shifted to a vulnerable space. They all got me and now am plummeting myself into a pit of negative effect of this act i just did. Of course the scenario they must have thought of would have been when this sort of thing happens, will he blame it on us and bring an ego that would be rageful and would want to shift to a mindset where he would think about assault or fucking but yeah it was my choice and knew at some point this sort of sensitive situation might come up.
But knowing that now everyone knows about it, it was new to me all of a sudden how to deal with myself first. Since people think this kind of idea is OPing the sexual game heavily one sided and some kind of bug was being looked at, i do many a times kinda get that and let a lot of triggers slide out. Since they don’t want to back out from this at all, they have to find that defect somehow. And so yeah, missing the eye contact made me feel like shit. With the previous sentences in context, it’s something i should be working on myself if this is to stay in public and get better with facing people. No body is going to let this slide ever i guess and even if the signaling shows that i might be public facing, it is ever so important i learn to deal with many such scenarios like this. To have good amount of confidence even when you have nothing to show for makes you eventually thick skinned than ever going forward.
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